ENTRY 12：Revision of Billy''s Story

Problems:
In Billy's story, there are too many characters appearing in one time, also along with sudden appearance of the settings, like the rain and the lighting, which seems too coincident, and it is also a little bit messy and confused for me. Also, the appearance of Kaya in the graveyard is weird as she is simply come to say sorry to Marty but get killed, which is too abrupt. This story seems to try to be emotional and full of love under the theme of "death", but it is to hard to be felt as there are too many small sotries in one big story, which are not further developed. In a word, there is no focus in this big story. Also, some plots seems ridiculous.

How to fix.
I will cut off some unnecessary characters. In order develop a focus on this big story, I only adopt the these charaters: Jack, Marty, Kaya, the Mafia boss and a number of his men. The characteristics of the main characters will be better develped, and I will focus on the love between Martin and Kaya and the friendship between Marty and Jack.

Jack hid behind the grave to wait for the Mafia boss, with whom he would negotiate with for a peace. However, when he saw the gangs with the Mafia boss, he felt desperated; he thought he should never be so stupid to trust a man who never to be worthy of being trust. When he just decided to come front of the grave to surrender and wait for the death, he suddenly was  stopped by a force. He turned round only to see Marty was there, hiding behind a grave near him, holding up a gun with caution, behind whom was his girlfriend, Kaya. "Why are you here?" he whispered in a low, deep voice. Actually, he could feel the wetness in his eyes; it was a feeling hard to describe when he saw his friends was with him when he was near the death. Marty gave him a gun, smiled to him, "It is so lucky for you to have a coward friend who can be brave for you." It was a long sentence in this rush hour when the death approaching without hesitation, but Marty  whispered the whole sentence. In the confusing eyes of Jack, Kaya confessed, "he came for you, I came for him." In one second, with one faith, the three rushed in front of the grave and fiercely shot with the gangs.

...

who survived?
L.O.V.E